RuniRunRun

Trigger warning: This post is full of negativity, frustration, depression, stress and anxiety. Please stop here if you don't want it to affect you. ...... It's first day of Eid today, and if I am being honest, I don't feel an ounce of happiness about it at all. And I'm not exaggerating a single bit. I stopped feeling the joy of Eid since my beloved grandma died 6 years ago. This year is tough for me, I bet it's tough for everyone else too. But I'm here to talk about me, as I don't know how to let it out to my actual people (family/friends). Work has been overwhelming, and it's taking a toll on me. I was supposed to take unpaid leave to get better but instead I've been given loads and responsibilities which I don't know if I'm capable of. I've tried to let out my worry about work to my colleague because I thought my colleague from my unit will understand it. Big mistake. I was brushed off because she said it was the same case for everyone ...

  There are days where my mind goes blank and I can’t get a single work done. I wanted to get out from that numbness, but it stuck. I feel numb. It gets worse when I force myself to be free. And today is one of those days. I hate myself for not be able to fight this, and I hate myself for repeating this over and over again.         Maybe I should see a doctor.

 It has been more than 3 months after I wrote Part 1, and nothing much happened after that. I thought I was getting better, I thought I've won this battle with my own self. I have not. And I might getting worse at it. I don't know how to handle it these day, I get easily agitated, I am restless, I am sad with no particular reason. I did the Depression, Anxiety & Stress Scale (DASS) online just now.  The DASS is a measure of mental health focusing on the three traits of depression, anxiety and stress. The DASS was designed by Syd Lovibond and Peter Lovibond at the University of New South Wales in 1995.  IT WAS NOT GOOD, again. I needed help. I need to get out from this never ending cycle. Till next time, Runi.

I've never dared to utter those words out loud. For all my life, I've been keeping the feelings to myself and only shared it with my trusted family and best friends, never dared to confess to the person I love. It saved me once though, saving myself from the embarrassment of confessing to someone who was soon to be married to someone else. Holding myself back is easy, letting myself loose is hard. Too scared of the consequences. Too scared with the "what ifs". Too scared of being in the dark pit again. But I long for the day that I can love someone without worrying whether it's requited or not. If yes, I'll be the happiest person in planet, if not, move on and face life with a smile. To never holding back. Should I do that? Love, Runi.

Disclaimer: This post is totally for my personal record of the event which triggered my anxiety attack. The issue may seems simple to other people but it was huge for me. The intention of the post is to promote mental health awareness and also reminding myself that it is okay to not be okay, and to seek help when you're ready. 23rd April 2020.   That's the date that I received my secondment letter to other region. That means I'm going to move to the other state permanently for my work. The region that is never my choice, the region that I dislike and know won't be good to my physical and mental health. I was being informed about going to this region few weeks before but it can't prepare me for the surge of emotions for the next few days. At first, it was like, okay I already knew this, it's not going to be worse than this, right? My my, I was wrong. My colleagues also received theirs and none of my closed ones goes to the region I'm going to, in fa...

It's nth day of Movement Control Order, where most of us no longer keep track on how many days has passed since MCO started. It's hard for everybody, it's hard for me and I had meltdown yesterday,. Had that feeling where I feel hopeless, unable to keep myself positive and optimistic even though I know I am much luckier than some other people in this situation. I saw this unknown quote by unknown author: How to travel in time: READ How to escape time: MUSIC How to feel time: WRITE How to release time: BREATHE Well, I want to travel in time! And I decided it is the best choice to read the book that I know will have a happy ending! I bought this book quite some time ago, mainly because of the true love story behind it - where the main characters, Maya & James met in the subway they commuted to work every morning.  I already had expectation that the story will revolves only on the main characters in the story and I'm glad that I'm not exactly r...