I'm tired.

Trigger warning: This post is full of negativity, frustration, depression, stress and anxiety. Please stop here if you don't want it to affect you.

......

It's first day of Eid today, and if I am being honest, I don't feel an ounce of happiness about it at all. And I'm not exaggerating a single bit. I stopped feeling the joy of Eid since my beloved grandma died 6 years ago.

This year is tough for me, I bet it's tough for everyone else too. But I'm here to talk about me, as I don't know how to let it out to my actual people (family/friends).

Work has been overwhelming, and it's taking a toll on me. I was supposed to take unpaid leave to get better but instead I've been given loads and responsibilities which I don't know if I'm capable of. I've tried to let out my worry about work to my colleague because I thought my colleague from my unit will understand it. Big mistake. I was brushed off because she said it was the same case for everyone else. I shouldn't complain, I know. I won't do it to you again.

Trip to Dr's is another challenge for me because I know I have to hear things that I don't want to. For someone who longed to have a baby, possibility of infertility, miscarriage & uterus removal are not the stuffs that you want to hear from your doctor. It hurts every single time. It still hurts.

I was having hard time processing it even though it was a fact that I already knew. I don't know how to let it out and who to let it to because everyone is fighting their own battles. I didn't want to burden anyone, so I poured it to my stories. Only to be called out by my friend for not telling them when I chose to be silent. I was not ready to tell the story to someone yet. I was grieving.

Well I guess I don't have the right to grieve.

Then last week happened.

I received news that my friend, committed suic*de. No words can do justice to describe how devastating I felt. He was a cheerful & fit person, I can't imagine what he's been through for him to make that decision. I cried for days, it's heartbreaking, l feel you my friend, I wish there was better ways for you. My heart breaks for you. I was and still am affected by the news.

There are days that I feel like giving up, but I know I owe it to my parents to be a good person. Don't worry, I'm not suic*dal, insyaAllah. I have iman with me, and I won't consider that path insyAllah. It's just that I'm afraid it's bottling up in me and if one day I can't take it anymore and I lose myself completely.

I can't tell my parents, because they'll worry too much. I can't tell my sisters because they're struggling too. I can't tell my friends, because I don't want to be that toxic friend and I'm traumatized to be brushed off. As if I don't matter. And of course they're stressed out with their own problems which I'm guilty of for not be able to be there for them too.

And with the war happening in Palestine, I feel bad for feeling bad. My problem was incomparable with theirs. Yet, I am weak and not being able to fight them. I feel guilty for not enjoying Eid when I am in the comfort of my house when they pray to be able to be in their own house and not to be bombed. How ungrateful I am.

What can I do to feel better? I've been going through the same cycle over and over again for the past few years.

I think I'll stop here. This post will at least tells a portion of my feelings, and I hope I can comeback someday and re-read this and say, I am better now.

Oh I discovered a new talent of mine, from being perfectly okay to crying a river in less than 8 seconds. Ha ha.

Jokes aside. I know one thing for sure, I have Allah with me. He Knows what's inside my heart and He is the Healer. May Allah heals my wounded heart.

Peace,

Runi.