Part 1: The Event

Disclaimer:
This post is totally for my personal record of the event which triggered my anxiety attack. The issue may seems simple to other people but it was huge for me. The intention of the post is to promote mental health awareness and also reminding myself that it is okay to not be okay, and to seek help when you're ready.

23rd April 2020. 

That's the date that I received my secondment letter to other region. That means I'm going to move to the other state permanently for my work. The region that is never my choice, the region that I dislike and know won't be good to my physical and mental health. I was being informed about going to this region few weeks before but it can't prepare me for the surge of emotions for the next few days.

At first, it was like, okay I already knew this, it's not going to be worse than this, right? My my, I was wrong. My colleagues also received theirs and none of my closed ones goes to the region I'm going to, in fact, they are not going anywhere - they're staying at our current home office. What?!

Then it hit me. They got to stay. And I'm leaving, without them. All the rumours I've heard before that everyone is going to regions except for few, are lies! It is the opposite! Most of them are staying and a very few of us are leaving. It broke me to be honest. It felt like I'm being thrown away from the clan. I felt unwanted. Dejected.

Anxiety attacked me. My heart raced so fast it felt like it's going to explode, my chest tightened, I felt breathless. Tears coming down my cheeks like when I was grieving over my late grandmother's death. I felt dizzy, nauseous and my mind and body slowly shutting down on me. I felt this before but once again I failed to overcome it. It feels hopeless to function as a whole.

When events seem too overwhelming for me (in a bad way), the unstable me would withdraw herself from the world. She turned off the phone, won't speak to anyone including family & close friends, cried herself to sleep and continue crying when awoke. She would questioned why everything seemed to be against her, she would blame herself for not taking control of the event and herself. And in this period of self hate, she also hates the love, supports and motivation from her loved ones who genuinely concern on her well being. 

A part of me knew, this is wrong.

As a Muslim, we should seek Allah all the time, happy or sad. But most time, I forgot to truly seek Him when Allah is As-Samee', The One Who hears all sounds and voices, in all of their different languages and all their many and various needs. He is the All-Hearing, The Ever-Listening.

A bad habit when I sad - I like to hear sad song to make myself sadder. I was looking for song with sad lyrics when I had the thought - why should I listen to a song which will do more harm than good, rather than listening to Quran which has all the answers to our questions?

I googled for surah for broken heart and found this article titled; To the broken hearted, meek and the weak.  

"Whatever you’re going through, know that this was never meant to miss you".

The author talked about Surah Ad-Dhuha, which was revealed to console our Prophet Muhammad saw during his sorrow time. I was intrigued, all I know about Surah Ad-Dhuha is about the Dhuha (morning light) and never occurred in my mind it can be more than that.

The interpretation of the first five ayah of the Surah felt so close to my heart. My tear flows upon reading it especially with the sentence;

"Your Lord has neither forsaken you nor hated you."

The whole Surah speaks to my soul as I prayed to Allah for Him to heal my broken heart and He showed me this Surah. My heart softened and I managed to collect myself together then feeling the love, supports and motivation Allah showed me through my family & friends. I can now slowly open up myself to people while loving myself again.


*to be continued*

Love,
Runi.